I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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