He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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