We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
