she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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