im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
