I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize