Dude my mom stole all your condoms
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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