he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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