Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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