You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Randomize
