The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
