at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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