what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
