Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
