My friends, they love my intelligence
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
