That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
