i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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