Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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