here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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