I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
