Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize