There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
