Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
