I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
