my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
