Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
