did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
