Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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