You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
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