I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
