K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
