I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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