I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
