Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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