saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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