You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
