My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
