I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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