I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
My ATM looks so different sober.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
