I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
We left the knife in your bed.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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