a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
