Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I stole a fireplace last night.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
