dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
lets start a swedish sibling band together
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
