I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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