That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Randomize
