Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
