I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
FUCK WHALES
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