You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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