Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
