FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
