Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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