y did u give ur computer a hand job?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
