If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Couch. On fire.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
