Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize