Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
