I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
