I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
